Fix you

It hurts.



It hurts.



Here. Right here.




Can you feel it?





Guess I am all that bad, huh.







Don't blame them for that, blame me.











Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Maybe,

Vulnerability. Something that I try hard not to show, something that I feel is better hidden from the world and only for myself. A weakness.


But then again, I am only human.









At first, we talked about it, carefree, or so it seemed, and I thought I could handle it. But I couldn't. I found myself having that same old feeling up in my chest, heavy, ready to explode, something that I try hard to evade, but in vain; I felt it all over again. And hated it. How I wish I could just disappear into thin air or just fly away from here.

I wrote about it. It's something you can't control, I suppose.

Maybe, I wanted you to read it. But I didn't know how. Maybe I didn't, because it's stupid and a waste of time. Maybe I did, I wanted you to know without me knowing you already knew. Confusing. Well, maybe, just maybe.







I do not know why, but I get the feeling that you and your scummy friends are talking about her, although I have no reason to believe so. Annexe and all. I still can't comprehend that need for you to say that, and now that I know you did, I now feel like I loathe you even more. Stay away from him and the both of them. Hurt her and you will regret it.




Yeah, I can be too conscious sometimes. Not good. I shouldn't be such a curious cat and ask things, personal things that might just kill me in the end. But even when I know it will, it's a risk I must take, so I ask anyway, be it I am left satisfied or not.



Sometimes you just wish you're alone, where no one can find you.






And so we turn four, or five, if you count that as well.
Happy four months.

Of birthdays and more <3

I'm sorry for late update darlingss.

It has been about a week since I turned eighteen. So what have changed since then? Everything is pretty much the same as it was before and yet so many things have happened. Life at home is still the same, I am still fat, I still have the same friends and I still suck at playing piano. And then, there are the events, happenings that left me in awe, speechless and over the moon.

On Saturday, had lunch with the family at Tony Roma's. The food there, simply scrumptious! Trust me, you don't know what you're missing here. Later that night, went to Bobott's house and yakked till midnight, talked on the phone with Pok, received quite a number of birthday wishes and slept late.

It was nothing big, no parties, gathering of sorts yet it was one sweet day. It was a Sunday, not like any other, as I spent my morning answering Fardhu Ain questions and getting ready for a day out with him and looking forward to meeting up with the others. We headed to Midv, queued for Jumper tickets and met with Nik Izzat. Ah, he looked good, tall and fit, sportsmen, I say. Met his friends Nurul and Aidil, nice good people. Apparently I forgot to wish Nik Izzat earlier on the 11th, he just turned eighteen as well. Yes, another '90 baby :) Zhaf and Mista dropped by before heading elsewhere, cuci mata (wash eyes?) while Shafiq and I enjoyed a good movie of Jumper. It's decent, very nice really, though I do wish it had a better ending. We met up with Wafa after and I was fortunate enough to play a few scores on a 90k black baby grand piano. Heaven :) Not to mention that cool/hot dude (salesguy) who kinda jammed with me, heh. Baik betul dia. Had Baskin Robins after and met up with Ema at Sentral, she wanted to give me a birthday present, and went home. Like I said, it was nothing big but I had fun. Tremendous. I was on cloud nine.

Later that night, the girls; Aifa, Yana and Farah surprised me with a birthday songm a doughnut and a card. Soon after I went to see Zhaf, Mista, Mue and Aizat at Ukc and they got me good. They made me close my eyes and threw eggs and cold water at me before singing happy birthday out loud :) I'm definitely one of the boys now HAHA. Boyaaan, thanks boys x)

I must say that Syuk's birthday wish was the best of all, a funny combination of singing Alicia Keys' No One and eating Oreos while driving. See, Syuk, I'm everywhere HAHA. Okay wtv. Ema's birthday gift was just, amazing. She did a drawing/painting of me, a repeated kind of type. I don't quite know how to explain in perfect words but it was one of a kind, a work of art. I could not stop smiling after I saw it. It wasn't the fact that it was a picture, it was that she actually did it and painted it so beautifully. Simplicity as its best.

On Monday night, I could not sleep and stayed awake for about 30 hours until I finally slept, for only about 4 hours due to the stupid mosquitoes. Buggers. Had my periods and a very bad mood indeed. I just hate periods, don't you?

Wednesday, followed Shafiq and Abg Epui to Sunway, bowling tournament. Got teased in the car for not pronouncing 'quay' right, ah. BOYANNNNN. Walked around after the game and found myself inside Dorothy Perkins. Abg Epui insisted we ask the lady/guy (it?) for the hoodie that I so badly want, and so I did. Third call, she/he informed us that it's available. Can you believe it?! The effin hoodie is effin available! It's there! There! There! I couldn't believe it myself, that hoodie being there and Abg Epui getting it for me. Like, for real? Oh yeah baby. Cloud ten! HAHA. He gave it to me on Friday in the car. That itself was another story. Shhh.

As for Friday, we went to Klcc, it was a last minute decision, Mama wanted to get some books on project directing, of sorts. So yeah, we went shopping. For books. For shoes. For clothes. I was lucky enough to find Cecelia Ahern's and Nicholas Sparks' books. Scores! Faiqah and Amani got their own pair of converse; what's the deal here ey. I was slightly envious, well, theirs cost more than mine and unfortunately for me, were nicer, prettier. Faiqah actually got a grey pair. Gahh. Oh well, never mind. We stopped by Marks & Spencer for a quickie and end up buying a top for me and Faiqah. Yeay us. Haha. Izzati was a bit upset since she didn't get anything, Mama was rushing, as always lah. Note: one can never rush oneself when one is at a bookstore, let alone Kinokuniya. Ma said we'd go back on Sunday before sending me off to school or something like that, but then, Amani's shoes turned out to be both the same side so yeah, Klcc it is.

The following day (Sunday), accompanied Mama to Pasar Tani. It's been a while since my last visit to the wet market, so it was quite a good feeling though, seeing the pakcik soya and pakcik cakoi. Heh, they remember me well. Went to school after that, in hopes to see the shiznits - Aza, Megat, Syafiq, Meuy and the rest :) Lavv lavv. Were fortunate enough to see them, yeay. Aza I'm gonna miss youuuuu, we all will! Went back home at noon then headed to Klcc with the family, yet again, at about four, plus minus. Shopped for Izzati, a pair of converse for her and two books and she was up and about again. Tersengih sengih. This time around though, I did not buy anything, since it was only just the day before that I got myself two books and a new top, but then, we went to check my eyes and now they got me a pair of glasses. I do not want to wear glasses but my astimatism is not so alright, especially when I'm in class. I felt guilty of the price tag though (I still am, huhu), I thought of getting a cheap one, but Abah had to buy it at Klcc now ey. Sorry Ma. Which just adds to the pressure, for me to perform ever-so-well this semester. Or I am, without a doubt, screwed. Which, in this case, I think I already am. Ah. Faaka.

Stress!

Yeah I got what I wanted, what I asked for - Converse shoes, the novels, Dior glasses, the DP top, Marks&Spencer top - but I guess I'm just not used to it, it's been a long while since things like this happen to me, getting all of this. I'm grateful, happy.

Moving on...

I'd like to thank each and everyone of you who remembered, who took the time and energy, who made my day, each and everyone of you.

Erin Bobott

Afi Barneyy

Nad Yoyo

Danial

Kaka

Iekha Lecka 00:00

Farahin Bo 00:00

Shafiq <3>

Daus Gombak 00:00

Wafiy NT

Farah Chom

Kekhalid

Alyaa twinny

Aleea

Niksu

Miza

Mirul Click

Fafawafa

Rasya

Hayad

Mysara

Emer

Farhan Alia

Dhaous

Ijan

Nik Izzat

Shamine

Sya Ben

Syukrayy

Tun Sya

Aliaa Wawi

Naby Aed

Anishh

Zhaf Js

Fatin Ict

Kak Awi

Abg Epui

Saddiq

Uncle Richard

Yana

Bilik 226A;

Dharma

Farid

Aizat

Bazlee

Sam

Fizajaja Oz

Ema

Cik Nad

Nurul

Aidil

Nik Izzat again

Nazriq

Shafiq's parents

Ikha

Cheeka

Isma

Adeera

Min

Megataa

Diana

Monkey

Afiqah s5

Lyssa

Honeyy

Tati

Ahmed Shah

Farha Phat

Farisa

Ezzati Ict

Hanis Varcoe

Shaq

Eizzaz

Aliaa Nabila

Ainaa

Waa

Farah

Aiman

Kak Yam

Dirah

Afiqah kecik

Zhaf again

Mista

Mue

Aizat

Yana

Aifa

Farah

Meuy (who finally called!)

Syira

Zariel

Adib

Atikah

Mirawr

Bidin

&& Mama, Abah, Faiqah, Amani and Izzati.

Thank you people, and also many thanks to this lot;

Thank you Erin for the great night, for yakking like old times and taking pictures like mad. Thanks for the painting Ema, it's amazing. Thank you boys for the eggs and birthday song, it was my first. Thank you boys of 225 ABC, it's not Hari Raya btw ;) Thank you Nik Izzat for the snowglobe, for being at Midv on the same day as I was and seeing me. Thank you Wafa for coming to Midv. Thank you Niksu and Meuy for singing the birthday song. Thank you Yana, Aifa and Farah for the card and doughnut. Thanks for the DP top Abg Epui, I'm speechless, thank you thank you thank you. Thank you Shafiq <3 for the Diary That Will Change My Life, I can't believe you actually remembered. Thank you, oh annoying and strangely lovable sisters, Faiqah, Amani and Izzati for the cute card and mocha. And most importantly thank you Abah and Mama, for the cute card, the pair of converse, the two novels, that rad M&S top, for the costly Dior glasses and for putting up with my difficult self, for always believing in me although I have failed you before, for being difficult strict yet loving parents, for being my parents and for everything that you've done and given me. I can't thank you enough. I love you all.

Thank you so very very much.

The song is playing loud and clear and still I turn up the volume, louder and louder. Deafening my own voice inside, screaming.

Message kepada Fiza.

Today has been hard. I was this close to blowing up. I hate group works. I hate having lazy people as partners and team mates. F you. No seriously, I finished mine early, just in time and she did not do her part and madam told us to hand in our work together and I waited for her and still she is not done. It's already Friday! I felt like screaming at her. Ugh. And then there's that pakcik who smells so bad and does not even speak, not a word no, who is also slow in handling things and does not trust me when I counted the printed pages, he took it back from and counted it, BUAT PENYEK JE. AKU TAK SUKA KERTAS AKU PENYEK PENYEK. KEROMOT. Aku tak suka ada apa kecacatan sikit pun, itu assignment aku lah! Some people!


By evening, I got back on track again. Of course, after eating three burgers and watching a dumb movie, I feel better.

Birthday is in two days, yeay me. I'm going home tomorrow, will be seeing the familia and my Spongebobott yesza. Scores! And then back again on Sunday morning for Fardhu Ain exam and out again for lunch :)

Aha.


Three weeks left.

Kepada Fiza, jika anda sedang membaca, mintak izin untuk baca blog anda :) Jgnlah delete myspace, how to contact?

Your day

Today notes Mista's birthday and Alyaa's anni with her beau.



Happy Birthday Mista :)


&&


Happy Anniversary Alyaa twinny <3



On a different note, I am still not done with my work. Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaka.

Cold war

I yelled. It wasn't necessary but I did it anyway. I left, taking some air. I came back, all were quiet. Talk, I said. No one did. Gloom. I caused it. I looked and they did not look back. Note to self: DO NOT CARE. But how can I? He went up and left, giving a lame excuse. I looked at him go. I turned to the one in front of me. Uttered not a word, ate his food in silence, only to stop midway. Eat, please eat, I said. I killed the mood, I killed everyone's mood. And from what I saw, I know it is not okay. It is clearly not okay.

I talk too much. I should just shut the fuck up. I care too much. But then, it's only because I love you.









I'm sorry.

Woes.

56 kilos now. Heading to fatland. Crazy. Trippin. Piles of work to be done. Finals in THREE WEEKS. Bad eating habits. Weight problem. Friends. Dean's List. Slow at Maths. Physics. Il presentation due March. Btq presentation due Friday. Comp2 database. Database proposal. Suspersavers. Money woes. Late night talks. Lack of sleep. Not enough time. Chuzzles. Wonderboy. classes. Morning classes. Quizzes. Pointers. Marks. Grades. Songs. Winamp. Videos. Mika. Virus. Thumbdrive. Internet. Blogging. Myspace. Friendster. Things to sell. Things to tell. Secrets. Left out. Back aches. Slouching. Broken shoe. No mood. Void. Space. Sleepless nights. Worries. Woes. Trouble. Missing. Alone. Tired. Boredom. Laziness. Physics terms. Temperature. Arab homework. Fat fat fat fat fat body. Dark skin. Whiteheads & blackheads. Bad complexion. Deep thoughts. Heavy sighs. Assignments assignments. Numbers. Fardhu ain exam. Birthday.














Crash and burn?
Perhaps.

For this moment

I did a revised list of birthday wishes. Of course of course, there are plenty of things out there that I want. I want a lot of things. I want. I want. I want. But let's not talk about what I want but more like, what I need.


And so I need...

New sneakers
Slippers
Shoes
School shoes
Laptop bag
Pants
Big Calendar
Face Whitening Serum of sorts
Eye Whitening Serum for dark circles


And so I want...

Azone Black Book
Silver Pen
Warehouse top
Dorothy Perkins (Grey&White Stripes) Top
Apple green converse
Top-up
Stilettos
Money
Time
Control
External Hard Disk
Sony Ericsson K810i
Sony Cybershot Album T
PS I LOVE YOU (novel)
A Walk To Remember (novel)


Well, that's among the few things I want right now.


I didn't fancy the idea of going back to Kedah at first, that's because I have a lot of schoolwork to do, all to be submitted next week and also because our butts are just too big, all four of us girls. It's packed I tell you, sandwich. But then, the thought of seeing my relatives again and just being there at my kampung excites me. And although packed, I like the long rides. I like it when Abah speeds up as I look out the window, the scenery all a blur, with James Blunt singing in my ears and my mind filled with thoughts - of everything. I like the loud karaoke moments when we'd sing on top of our lungs and the crazy jokes we'd make along the way. I like the stop we'd always make, at Tapah, and having Baskin & Robins before heading out again. And I really really like it when I could see so many stars up in the sky, small and bright, shining through the night. It is just, beautiful, makes you wonder about God's powers. Ah yes, I like all of that :)


I like how my Myspace page looks like. Haha.


There's so many things I want to write about but I feel I have lost my drive to do so. Syuk wrote something about blogs and bloggers, how people tend to stereotype it as diaries and such. Well, I must say mine is very much like a public diary. Heh. And so it is. And please my dears, listen to James Blunt new song 'I Really Want You'. Brilliant piece. And if anyone can find for me or have found the piano piece on Angela - Separation, Soukyuu No Fafner OP/ED Single (it's anime), please let me know. I have tried searching for it, and so far, I have failed to find the piece. Buggers. At the moment, I'm trying to get my notes right and play Nina - City Hunter. I should have practiced when I had the chance.


Missed.







I really want you to really want me
But I really don't know if you can do that...

Seven pairs of new clothes

I'm going to the INTECHSS AGD (Annual Grand Dinner)

It was a last minute decision, since they asked me ever so nicely, why not ey? I thought of dragging Shafiq along but I heard they'll be placing the girls with the girls and the boys with the boys (which sucks) and I didn't want him to be placed with such strangers plus, what's the point of him being there if we can't even sit together? Which leaves us to the second question, if not the most important, what should I wear?

After much thought and consideration, I'll just be wearing my green number. Oh no darling, no sort of dress and all of those you see, no. Just a simple number really (pictures will be up later onwards). Went home just to take my clothes, thought of dropping by for a while but Mama made Ikan Terubuk Bakar (my favourite!), one that I've been longing for ever since last semester. Yeah. I just had to stay for lunch.

We were talking about my school clothes when Mama decided we should go and buy them today while I'm still around and so we went, the three of us, Mama, Abah and I. Mama must be in a good mood because she bought me 7 altogether. Hurrah! All cotton cotton baybay :) And I got my cotton tenun with kain pelekat :) Satu je, tapi takpe. Suke gak.

Cotton is good for school. Silk is for functions. No?

I'm a happy kid :) For now. I still haven't touched my assignment papers nor did I start on my report. And it is already Saturday, 10pm. I am left with about just another day (or two) before the deadline. I am so asking for it.


Saya baru sedar saya suka bila saya salam Abah lepas tu Abah cium dua pipi saya dan saya cium dua pipi Abah. Anak Abah. Lepas tu bila salam Mama then peluk Mama then ada je la joke kitorang. Saya kena gigih lagi belajar. Ish.



Onemonthleft.


And after all that commotion, I forgot my kerongsang. Ugh. Now I'm counting on Mama to send it me on Monday, hopefully.



On a different note;


Happy Birthday Shamine <3







&& saya nak budak yang mengundang tu, boleh?

Conversation

"There's so many things I wanna do."
"You had so many chances. We bought you the piano and you didn't play it."
"Rasa macam rugi lah pulak kan."


"Why didn't I play sports dulu eh."
"Sekolah awak pun bukannya active pun kan."
"Yeah..."
"Tapi dorang active bola baling and olahraga, none that I can play or fancy playing."
"Bola baling tu ape?"
"Alaa, dia ganas la, um, handball handball."
"Oooo..."


"I think I wanna play sports. Bowling ke, ape ke. Ape ape la."
"Hmm la, why bowling? I don't think Abah would like that you know. Nanti mingle mingle dengan boys je."
"Eh takde lah girls pun ada, alaaa."


"I want I want I want. Ugh, banyaknya I want. I wanna make it real. Haih...."
"Yeah, banyak betul I want I want.. Macam Abah je"
"Aa kan. Eh tapi nak la make it happen, tak best la."


"Haa kalau macam tu I boleh la masuk kelas Japanese kan Ma?"
"Buat ape awak dah pandai cakap dah."
"Eh tak la Ma, kene la dia taktau tulis lagi and tu pun sikit je."
"Yeah."
"And I wanna learn French lah. I can't do Japanese, nanti bunyi macam lelaki. Haha."


"You know, I was kinda looking forward to seeing you guys."
"What?"
"I was kinda looking forward to seeing you guys. You know, I miss home la, taktau kenapa. Haih.. I miss home."
"Kaklong, awak buang tabiat ke?"
"What? I miss home."
"Awak call la Abah awak tu, Abah pun tanya awak balik ke tak"
"Hmmm..."