Deception

Nana said, "Learn this now and learn it well, my daughter: Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman. Always. You remember that, Mariam".

**

All during the ride, as she bounced in the backseat, she cried. They were tears of grief, of anger, of disillusionment. But mainly tears of deep, deep shame at how foolishly she had given herself over to him.

**

For the first time, Mariam could hear him with Nana's ears. She could hear how clearly now the insincerity that has always lurked beneath,the hollow, false assurances. She could not bring herself to look at him.

"His idea of penance", says Nana. Actions to make up for all the lies he made, because he knew they were wrong and perhaps, through these small gestures (like taking them out for lunch the day after) would make up for that lie he told; not because he sincerely wanted to do so.

It's always a little too late by the time you learn this lesson. It always is. You try to think positive, be optimistic and well, pretty much eager and hopeful and then something happens and then you realize that all your efforts are in vain, that all hope is indeed, lost.

It always goes the way. Same old storyline. Don't you think we ought to know that by now?

Dreams

It's funny (ironic, more like) and at the same time sad that the same person could hurt you over and over, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally - but the story always ends the same; you will get hurt, one way or another.

It's also funny, and sad, that sometimes we just never learn from our mistakes. That some people like us choose to believe instead, to put ourselves out there and at the end of the day, get hurt.

And then there are days when it doesn't seem funny at all but instead just.plain.sad. Pathetic really.

"Dreams are for rookies", says Phil.

Some days I think he's right. It's time to stop dreaming and focus on reality, which sucks really, but then again that's the world we live in.

Crushed

I regret I did what I did.

Making a fool of myself like that.

Why don't I ever learn?

Popcorn

I'm going to not-like you so much if I find out that what I dread about is true.

Best not behave that way now.

Departure

It's goodbye once more.

Somehow, I feel this one's for real.


Auf Wiedersehen.

Amour

So much to give but no one to give it to.

Night shift

There was a time when I was a Maxis user and voice sms was a popular hit with, well just about all of us. I remember sending those voice sms to a number of people, well, just one, or two actually - singing songs to cheer them up when they're down or just say something random because it sounded better than it is written. It was... nice :))

I remember one day, when a fellow friend was upset, I sent a voice sms singing Stevie Wonder's I Just Called To Say I Love You and well, as cliche as it may sound, it worked (and I meant every word). The little wonders, y'know? There were many other voice sms and songs, of course, and those too were just as sweet and as fun as the first one.

Then came the time they introduced to us the Super Savers. My was that something or what. Back in the day, Super Savers was only RM2 for 12 hours. Yep, you got that right, 12 hours. It was during Ramadhan in 2007, when it first came out, and I remember buying it or using it every single night. I'd talk to my fellow mates and it would go on and on and on and on till the wee hours and then we'd fall asleep, but the phones still on until it's time for sahur. It was fun :D

I'd call them up and we'd buy food for each other and then we'd continue talking till dawn (so that we wouldn't miss our prayers) and woke each other up for classes. It was real fun there. Amazingly enough, there was always something to talk about, something new to get to know, to explore.

There was even a time when I had two shifts - a night shift and a morning shift. I spent the whole night talking to one person, talking, laughing, singing, and from dawn till 8 I talked to another until it was time for his exam. And I was still able to operate normally that day.

Nowadays, I don't get phones calls that lasts more than 20 minutes, or something with that sort of quality. No more midnight to dawn phone calls, no more long hours, no more Super Savers, none. Life got boring, or maybe, I did. Now, phone calls usually lasts from 5 to 10 minutes tops, unless I'm emotionally unbalanced and I need support or an old friend called, but that's a different story altogether.

I miss the good old days when things were simple and fun.

Don't you?

The Floor Takes So Long To Hit

Congratulations. You took me down. And now, you have made everything that is sad, relevant.


(via I Wrote This For You)


-- Sigh.

Lethargy

I'm down with massive flu, low fever, cough and a whole lot of phlegm and mucus. My body is tired.

Add that to the emotional baggage and you have me.

"I've lost my teddy, can I hug you instead?"

Remember that?

Thorned roses

Sometimes I feel like I have so much to give but I don't know who to give it to.

New horizons

This is my sanctuary. Although it's not entirely personal, it's a place where I can channel my feelings and write those little bits of truth. It's soothing, really.

But no matter, I have another two, and twitter to express other personal thoughts and feelings, though even that I find is getting less and less personal. I need a new space of my own.

I need something new to entice me.

Sometimes

Your pain hurts me so.

I miss you.

Pillow talk

It's kind of heartwarming to know that you actually cared when all this time you didn't really show it, if you did, you are really bad at it. But thank you, thank you for expressing your thoughts and how you felt about it, I appreciate it. But I'll also appreciate it if you would just let it be and not let it linger anymore.

I'm going to be okay, really. Somehow.

I know what I'm doing, saving face grace whatever you call it. I know. I'm trying to be the bigger person here so let me do just that. All and all, it's good to know that you'll have my back though.


Love,
me.

Interschool Debate Championship

It's been a good day so far. I woke up early and went to IIU to judge for the Interschool Debate Championship today. Bumped into Dina and Hamzah there so spent the whole day with them during breaks and in between debates, which was pretty cool :) There are 76 schools participating in the English debate. Hebat tak. Basically it's a fun experience seeing these kids debate, and I have to say quite a number of them are pretty good - better than I was when I was in school. Heh.

All and all, it was a good day spent, rather than waking up late and moving like a sloth at home. Tomorrow I shall be back for judge duty, but only for one round, then I'll be watching them debaters debate their way through double octo and octo round. That should be something to watch.

Oof! And Ashaff Khan just told me that there will be a documentary on Shah Rukh Khan tonight at 10pm. Awesome or what?! Hehehehe okay then gotta go now, my tummy's grumbling.

Later aligator.

Time after time

Today I met my loved ones yay! It was lovely, despite the long drive to KLIA, the tiredness, the sleepiness, the headache and just that 'ache', it was lovely to see them again. Lovely. 10 days! 10 days without them and it already feels so long. We talked so loud and laughed so hard and sang over and over to Ne-Yo's songs (and any other song that we know, but ultimately 'Part Of The List' was the best) and laughed even more.

They are mad awesome.

On a personal note, it was good to see you as well (I'm not sure if it's the same for you though). Oh, and please excuse the way I carried myself - I was simply too lethargic, as I have been of late. I hope you realize just how important you are to them; that they would drive all the way out there just so they could see you (and wouldn't/couldn't even do the same for me, (why?) because I'm not an important enough reason to do so, as you agreed). What did I tell you? These people, they love you.

That aside, welcome back stranger.

The Insomnia Of Flowers

You tried so hard to be the person everyone wanted you to be. Maybe you should've just been the person you wanted to be.


(via I Wrote This For You)


-- It's about time, don't you think? :(

Here we go again

I'm hurtin' and I'm hatin'.


There's a lot of hatin' goin' on tonight. Oooh here we go again.

Lingering thoughts

Used to care, but not anymore.

But really, I don't.

-

I miss the good old times boo hoooooo. Sob sob.

Keep those thoughts to yourself

Was just about to think I was the only one, but...

Not so special anymore, remember that now.

O hi there

I'll just wait and see what happens next.

The Last Days

I just need you to be able to tell people I was here, I felt, I lived and I loved as much as I could, while I could. And that the person that I loved, was you.


(via I Wrote This For You)



-- It would be nice to be remembered that way.

-

Hi, how are you?

I wonder what you're up to.

Thakshak

Suddenly, I miss those dancing days back in primary school. Chinese New Year, Hari Raya, Deepavali, Annual School Concerts, Dancing Competitions, Girl Guides Jamboree 2000, Girl Guides Camp 2001, Haziq Kindergarten Annual Concerts, Hari Guru - you name it I'm in it. Ahhhh the wonder years, when I could actually bend my fingers kasi lentik gitu to dance to traditional Malay song and Hindi songs.

Yes, Hindi songs. Rang De, to be exact, my favourite by far.

I remember the time we were discussing for the dance outfit when Pn. Badariah asked us to get a long skirt, a top and a shawl. It sounded weird to me (plus, I didn't own any skirt back then) so I called Mum and told her the details. Called her again later and she told us the outfit is called a Lengha (picture below), so we went to Jalan Masjid India after school to get ourselves a pair, for Faiqah and I, that is.



I remember how it felt like walking into the store in Masjid India - good god, the gold, the bangles, the lenghas, the materials, they were simply gorgeous! We had a ball browsing through a wide selection of choices - I remember wanting to own a pair when I grow up so that I could get the really really expensive material, with the embroidery and the beads sewn, just like in the movies. Ah, the dream. We settled with a pair each, mine with a copper top and cream/gold embroidery and cream satin skirt and shawl while Faiqah's was a deep/dark green satin with gold beads and embroidery. We even got ourselves the bangles, the bindi, the anklets that has about a hundred bells - you name it we got it. Well, at least we used to.

And the dance, oh the dance. Mariam was the one who suggested the song to Pn. Badariah, and I'm glad she did. She was the leader, Mariam, teaching us the moves she learnt from the video and changing a few moves here and there to make things easy. It was fun, dancing during recess time and staying back after school to practice, practice, practice. Come to think of it, my parents were surprisingly supportive with our interest. If only they'd let me do ballet or continue dancing. Le sigh. Anyways, the performance went well. At the time, only Faiqah and I wore Lenghas so hell yeah it felt great alright! Hah ha.

I don't know what happened to them, I think we lost or threw out most of the accessories and probably did the same thing to the lenghas too since we've outgrown them and my other two sisters were not into dancing.

Ah the good old days. If only I could turn back time - I would love to relive those moments. And well, not-so-secretly, I'm trying to do it now. Farah said it's a surprise I still remember the steps even though that dance was in 1999, which was, Oh-Em-Gee, eleven years ago. Not so bad, eh. But I have to admit I have gotten a little (okay a lot actually) rusty over the years and I could not bend my fingers or my body as easily as I could.

In an attempt to relive the dancing days, I've downloaded the video so that I could learn the steps all over again and have a good sweat. Terasa nak beli lengha pun ada! Tapi untuk sendiri pakai la orang tak boleh tengok. Heheheh apa salahnya kan? But of course, I'll only be doing this in the room when no one's watching, except for my sisters, and Farah perhaps. But I won't do it in front of anyone else, that's for sure. Don't know why but I've gotten all shy to do just that AHAHAHAHA shocka.

As a gift for you readers out there, if I have any, this video is for you. Take a look at what I'm attempting to do ;) Ahahahaha turrah!

The question is...

Does he see himself with you?

The Last Flight

Hope everything goes well when you're there.

I'll miss you.

Delirious

I'm just really really tired.

If I could have things my way I want to fly and get as far as I can from here and maybe just not come back until I'm healed.

But then that's called running away. Maybe it's better to be a coward and run away because what's the point of facing it, facing this? It only eats you up inside and kills you oh so slowly, torturing you a second at a time.

So fuck that shit. Let's take running away jom jom.

I need a break from all of this.

I'm so looking forward for the short semester break next week. Quality time with loved ones and a beautiful baby to cheer me up.

Till then.

:(

I'm clueless and helpless and just plain sad that you did what you did. What did I ever do to you to deserve this?

You bum me out.