Drive thru

A lot has happened since the post before last; with event planning and annual meetings to assignments and midnight movies, it wasn't much of a breeze but I made it through, alive. The events went well, both the ELC AGM and the Hisbah Day. Unfortunately, I did not manage to capture many shots of the AGM so I won't be putting it up here, sorry Adeera. There were only a few of us who actually dressed up (with some umph than our daily look) while the rest looked like they were going to market or such, so fear not, you didn't miss anything.

Apart from that, I managed to finish the assignment before Thursday, got lucky, and went for a midnight movie with the lot. We watched Batman: The Dark Knight and although it was a wee bit slow at some point, I have to the say the movie is INTENSE. Double that, I was literally gripping the seat off. The late Heath Ledger deserves such an acknowledgment for playing the joker so brilliantly. Wicked. Totally awesome.

"WHY SO SERIOUS??!"

Anyway, you can read reviews about it elsewhere. As for the weekend, I did a lot of walking with Wawi, covering a lot of ground (and shops too) - Mid Valley. We went there three days in a row, each day with a different reason. I didn't shop so much apart from getting myself the usual Starbucks drink and such. All and all, it was a good weekend.

As for my studies, I scored badly on my first Math quiz and I didn't do too hot either on the second quiz this morning. At the rate I'm going, I am so failing Math T___T *DIES* I've another Programming Project at the moment, the first phase due this Friday and I haven't even started on anything. I am relying on Programming so bad. The results on my CSS form didn't look too good. They will be disappointed, even I am disappointed. Sad as it is, I am only a B+ student.


Pathetic. PATETEK.



Oh bother. I've to run now, off to lunch and then to hunt down the HOD to sign my documents. I can't wait to start life in Gombak; the rules I have to put up with are just, silly. But then again, it is UIA. And the stupid workers here, rude bastards (do you like me now?!); pakguards, makguards and even some of the lecturers! So much for an Islamic study centre, these people don't even know what common courtesy is.

Fuckheads. Sigh.

------------------------------

I know what was, is and will be. I am trying to forgive myself, but how, I have yet to find out. Talking about it hurts me; I don't want to relive those memories, I want them gone and I never want to talk about it ever again.

I'm sorry.

Post-it note

I need to pick up the pace. I'm going way too slow, even for someone as slow as me. I need to get a grip and realize the facts. It's coming closer and closer. I need to brush up my skills and be aware of what is happening, think only of my priorities and set things right. I need to push myself to the limits.


It's time to change. Time to move, to improve.




I will not fail. Not this time.

Cry baby

I've been really emotional these past few days, probably due to the fact that I am having my periods added to the amount of stress I am already having. I've done most of my work, all I have to do now is focus on coding my program. I haven't even started on it yet! And I have to pass it up in...a day and a half! *DIES*

Apart from that, things are going back to normal now; I have learnt not to care too much (see, I COULD CARE LESS) and we are back to normal, it almost seems as if it never happened. Too many things are happening right now so I will update about it later when it's all done.

ELC AGM TOMORROW NIGHT!

Come people! The theme is DRESS TO IMPRESS. Heh :D We loike.

I've been crying a lot now too. It's almost like I'm reliving the old days, although it isn't as bad as it was then, of course, only that, I've been feeling low about everything, including myself.


Sigh.

Things to do; tick tick

I am pretty much free this semester, with only 8 contact hours per week and I did plan to occupy myself with club activities and meetings BUT never did I imagined I'd be piled up with such a workload. Surprisingly enough, my hisbah (it's a college/asrama thing) fellow appointed me as Head of Sports & Recreation and Wawi made me Head of Pub & Pro for ELC's Annual Meeting. Great, I landed the posts with the most work. Not to mention the Programming assignment I left untouched, I have yet to code the program. Blaaahh. And to top it off, everything is due by next week; ELC stuff by Tuesday, hisbah thing by Thursday the least and the Programming assignment is ALSO due on the same day. This is gonna be one long crazy ride.

That aside, I've printed out all the posters, doorbills, handbills and name tags. All printed, cut, laminated and punched. Ah, such an accomplishment, I can now tick that off of the long to-do list although I am still not done with the slides and music, that will have to wait for a short while. I have to thank Meuy and Ijan for ever willing to help me out with the posters and name tags.

Thank you so very very much you both!

I'll be heading back to Uia soon after lunch, most probably around three. And then the fun begins; I have yet to finish the video/slides for ELC, do the paperwork for the hisbah day, prepare the forms for the station masters and an outline for Nadiah's speech then only can I focus on coding my Programming assignment. Suppose I need all these stress to push me but hopefully I won't eat as much as I used to when I'm stressed out.

On a different but usual note, I am gaining weight like mad! Not that it's new or anything but yeah, it's upsetting. I need to stay away from those junks and eat healthy, shit/poo frequently and EXERCISE. For mankind's sake! Such a blah but I have to, maybe start off with tummy crunches then slowly, but hopefully jog. Hope is NOT lost, not yet at least.



"At the rate you're going, you are going to be fat" - Shafiq.




*OBVIOUS HINTING THERE!*





Now, to lunch.

Breakaway

I need to get away.

Even if it's just for a while.

I want to escape, to disappear.

I need a change, something different.

I need a breath of fresh air.




This has got to die.
This has got to stop.

Goodbye yellow brick road

Everyone has their own idea of a friend is made of, of how a friend is like and most importantly, what defines a friend. Some may have brilliantly well thought answers while others may not be able to conjure up such a definition. It is not something most of us would talk about let alone give much thought in it.

Back when things were much more simpler, making friends was one of the things that make us the happy jolly kids that we were. If only things were as simple as they once were. If only.

I had few friends when I was younger as I did not attend preschool and there were only a few kids in my neighbourhood. Entering primary school, I made new friends and met my first best friend, or so I thought but I guess as little kids we tend to get best friends almost instantly. I believe I was eager to please and keep these friends as they were the among the first few that I ever had. Throughout primary school, I had a few bumps where friends are concerned but bounced right back on track as I never quite bothered with such things.

Come high school, I transferred to a different place, met more people and made even more friends. They say high school is the best time of your life. Perhaps at the time, then, we all thought it was but looking back now, I am beginning to see things in a different light. Anyhow, there, I met my second best friend, then the closest person I had to me. We had a good friendship that lasts for three years, and then it happened. The fallout. Somewhere along the way, we grew apart and did not talk for a long time. Initially, I was deeply affected by it but the presence of others around me and other important events kept me occupied till the feeling faded away. At one point, I admit that I did miss the good old times when we were friends, sharing secrets and making jokes about everything and even though we weren't talking then, I know quite well about what's going on with her through others. Then somehow, miraculously, after almost two years, the silence was broken and we became friends again, perhaps not as close as we were before and probably will never be as we once were, but we are in good terms with one another.

I had and still have other friends of course but I wasn't much of a grateful time back then. At that period of time, I had someone you'd call a 'significant other' but I'd rather not use that term for one particular reason; he is not worth enough of a man to be a significant other, for me. Then, I foolishly cared for only him and somewhat somehow ignored my friends; I always put them last. There were times when I felt left out but that was only my own mistake, I did not really try and I don't blame them for it. Eventually, my life went through a drastic change and thankfully, the relationship I had ended.

Now, already in college, I see things differently. I want to do things differently this time around. Ever since the relationship died, I have been taking more interest and cared more for my friends, the good bunch. I spent more time with them, catching up, exchanging stories and bonded more often. I was making up for lost time and I enjoyed every bit, perhaps, a little too much.

Recently, I have encountered a series of events that tested the strength of such friendships. Recent events have also shown me the horrifying truth about such people, a truth I know but find hard to accept, as most truths are. No matter how hard I try to deny it, it is happening once again when I least expected. I am rather affected by the sudden change, so abrupt, so different from the last that I find it really upsetting.

Mother once told me that friends won't help you go anywhere, really but I denied her and wanted to prove her wrong. Now, here I am again on the same road, listening to the same wisdom I once heard, friendship is not a strong base, they don't get you anywhere. Your best friends, boyfriends and girlfriends won't tell you this so you should listen close, and listen well. Friendships don't always last; they are not a strong base to rely on, you should always rely on yourself. I don't mean to kill the spirit of friendships or such, if any, but what I am saying is to always know the bigger picture, of what is and what is not. People change and sometimes they can change so drastically you can't believe that just a moment ago, they were your friends. Don't be surprised how people can be, don't say I didn't warn you.

Cherish your friends but remember your priorities; your family, your studies and the ones that actually mattered. Good friends are only there when you're happy but great friends are there no matter what the circumstances, no matter how long. I guess whoever said that real friends are hard to find is actually telling the truth.

I may have experienced a few bumps along the way but I should/will not let it bring me down. I still have plenty to learn and a lot more to control; I have concluded that sometimes it is best not to care, to use the I-Could-Care-Less term and have a neutral relationship than caring so much for someone and having to go through such unworthy shit. Don't let it waste your time.

I am not bitter. I am only slightly upset. Big difference there, can you tell?






So exactly what defines a friend?



You tell me.

Striking constipation.

"Do you only like to watch?"



It used to be different for me, the bowling alley; it was a place of fun and games, where old friends meet and play a game trying our very best to hit every pin and staying away from the gutter. That was what I thought of it, a place I seldom go to but wished to visit more. Now it is no longer a stranger but a friend, a familiar place I've come to know very well over the past four or five months. I remember clearly how to make my way there; from the parking lot to the escalator to the bowling alley, passing by a number of shops and making a turn here and there. There was a time when I would go round and round about the place but now, I know just where to go. I always liked how the sound of the bowling alley would grow louder and louder as I enter the doorway; it always gives me a sense of excitement down my spine, regardless of whether I bowl -- or not. That is another story altogether.

Ever since I was a kid, I've always fancied myself doing something, achieving something like winning a literature contest or excel somewhere in the sports field, or something like that. So far, I haven't won anything except for a couple of singing competitions back in the old days but that is not accounted for. I wanted to do something different, something that I can call my own. I was that ambitious, wanting to achieve every little thing. Heck, I even wanted to go to Harvard and I thought I could. Well, I could if I tried. It's hard, yes, but not impossible.

Anyways, as a child, I was awed by the idea of being a ballerina and I liked everything about it, from the cute ballet slippers to the graceful moves but mother disapproved of it. She had her reasons and I can understand why. Then I wanted to be good at sports, swimming, cycling, badminton, baseball - whatever. I did all that but I never excelled up to the point of winning a medal, or such. And then there was bowling. I enjoyed it when I was a kid but did not have the chance the play it as often as I wanted. I remember going to the bowling alley nearby my house a few times with my family, usually just for fun and I've even thought, back then, that I wanted to be good at bowling too. Sadly, father did not fancy the place so much just as I don't fancy going to the snooker/pool place. So we didn't bowl very much, I can easily count with my fingers how many times we went there. We went there less and less till we didn't go at all, for a long time. Along with it, the idea of being a good bowler eventually faded away.

After many many years, the old unfamiliar place is now a regular spot. It didn't start off instantly, the frequent visits but as time passed by, I tagged along for practice, leagues or just for fun more and more till I lost count. That was how I got used to it; I didn't go to play but only to watch, something like a cheerleader, if that's what you call it. But I never got bored of it although I do wish I could do more. Just recently, I tagged along again, this time with Shafiq, his dad and his two cousins, Jordan and Airen. It was just like any other but only this time, Jor asked me about it. I like to watch but I'd love to play. I suppose having a boyfriend who takes bowling seriously sort of driven me to want it more now. The only thing stopping me now is, you guessed it -- myself.

There are other issues too, like asking or more like, informing my parents that I want to take up bowling seriously, buying the equipments and bowling balls and the likes but if I want it, I should not let it wait any longer. I plan to take it up soon, hopefully. I may not be as ambitious as I was when I was only seven but I still have some of that flame in me. I will do something and be good at it, something I can call my own. In the mean time, I will have to focus on my studies.


On a different note, Jordan, Airen and Anty Yan will be leaving for the States this coming Wednesday which mean I won't be seeing any of them, for a long time. I've grown to like them and enjoy their company very much. We exchanged hugs and bid our goodbyes before we left for school a few hours ago. I was quiet throughout the whole journey, obviously affected by the farewell. I'm never good with goodbyes and I'll never be, they always make me sad and go all soppy. Although they are not my own relatives, the feeling is still the same, they will be missed dearly.

Suffice to say, I had a great weekend; I get to see them before they leave, went for a game of bowling, received happy news from home (which I will explain shortly) and enjoyed myself very much. Speaking of which, I received a call from home about their shopping expedition. I want to write all about it but I feel that its contents might potray me as gloating or proud which I am not. Or at least I think I'm not. All and all, they convinced me time and time again that this year's baju raya will be great, far greater than the last I had. Affirmative. I look forward to seeing it next weekend.

I will have to retire now as I need to try and force myself to pass motion (berak?). I've been having bowel problems ever since I'm back in campus. It is not all bad but it doesn't happen as often as it should. Perhaps it's a body clock thing, it still needs to adjust to the new surroundings, perhaps. Perhaps now the title of this entry makes more sense to you than it did before, the stiriking represents bowling and constipation represents this, now now now. Pardon me if I'm grossing you out. You may press Alt+F4 now.


Turrah.

Worn me down

It has been quite an upsetting week for me. I made a mistake and hurt a friend, got all worked up, had nightmares and failed (still failing) to comprehend what was taught in Math III class. As opposed to my first lecturer who taught me Math I, this Miss is more interested in teaching herself than her students, I find it very hard to grasp what she is teaching or saying. Maybe it's just me, I am that slow. How I dread Math :(

It's already been four days and still the matter is not resolved. I realized my mistake but it is too late now. It was purely unintentional, I could've handled the situation in a better way, although I have to admit that I had an enjoyable time but because of me and my selfishness, a friend was left behind and got hurt. I remember telling myself never to be that kind of person again as I was once; I always put my friends last. I want things to be different than it was before, I want balance. I want the best of both worlds, if that's the way to put it.

Apart from that, my bank account has gone from five hundred to zero in a matter of weeks. Yes, it is that bad. I think it's high time I hire a personal accountant to manage my money and constantly remind me that I need to spend less.


I don't feel like writing anymore. And so, a song to delight us all, hopefully.